Who am I?
- Ramana Maharshi
I've spent my life trying to answer the question "Who am I?" and I'm still working on it.
As a boy I was sensitive, and craved validation for my world, but nobody seemed to be speaking my language. I felt disconnected from the people around me, and was extremely lonely and frightened.
When I was 10 years old off at summer camp, my father and mother took a trip with another couple. They got a flat tire and pulled over to the side of the road. The two men were changing the tire while the wives were smoking Benson & Hedges off to the side. Suddenly a drunk driver struck and killed both men.
Instead of being able to grieve, I felt the fear of having lost my father, the protector and provider, and immediately took on the
role of taking care of my mother and everybody else. I decided to take the weight of the family on my shoulders and become my father’s replacement.
By the time I was in my teens, I struggled with overeating, getting high, and secretly buying Playboy magazines.
In my desperate need to belong somewhere in the world, I sought security and validation by pushing to get into Ivy league schools for undergrad and MBA, with marriage and children soon following.
When I was 36, I left the corporate world:
"There is not enough love here."
While I was a big-swinging-dick investment manager at Fidelity, I kept thinking “Oh shit I’m in the wrong life!” When I was 36, in my tenth year there, I woke up one day and knew I had to leave. Weighing on me heavily was the fact that my father had died at 39, so the clock was ticking. I saw that the corporate world lacked love and meaning. I knew that leaving was the right thing, yet my childhood fears were at their peak because now I was actually carrying the responsibility to provide for my family.
A couple of years later I bought a summer camp for kids. On one hand, maybe I hoped it would free me of the burden my little boy carried. But I found myself intentionally hiding out in the office doing paperwork instead of joining the kids at arts and crafts. Not only was I just as miserable, but I was now responsible for even more children while also dealing with other parents’ trauma and other children’s happiness. I knew I had to make a bigger change; one that was inside me instead of out in the world. Thus truly began my spiritual path having recognized that it didn’t really matter what scenario I was in if I didn’t know how to be me and didn’t have a path to my own freedom.
While I was a big-swinging-dick investment manager at Fidelity, I kept thinking “Oh shit I’m in the wrong life!” When I was 36, in my tenth year there, I woke up one day and knew I had to leave. Weighing on me heavily was the fact that my father had died at 39, so the clock was ticking. I saw that the corporate world lacked love and meaning. I knew that leaving was the right thing, yet my childhood fears were at their peak because now I was actually carrying the responsibility to provide for my family.
A couple of years later I bought a summer camp for kids. On one hand, maybe I hoped it would free me of the burden my little boy carried. But I found myself intentionally hiding out in the office doing paperwork instead of joining the kids at arts and crafts. Not only was I just as miserable, but I was now responsible for even more children while also dealing with other parents’ trauma and other children’s happiness. I knew I had to make a bigger change; one that was inside me instead of out in the world. Thus truly began my spiritual path having recognized that it didn’t really matter what scenario I was in if I didn’t know how to be me and didn’t have a path to my own freedom.
While I was a big-swinging-dick investment manager at Fidelity, I kept thinking “Oh shit I’m in the wrong life!” When I was 36, in my tenth year there, I woke up one day and knew I had to leave. Weighing on me heavily was the fact that my father had died at 39, so the clock was ticking. I saw that the corporate world lacked love and meaning. I knew that leaving was the right thing, yet my childhood fears were at their peak because now I was actually carrying the responsibility to provide for my family.
A couple of years later I bought a summer camp for kids. On one hand, maybe I hoped it would free me of the burden my little boy carried. But I found myself intentionally hiding out in the office doing paperwork instead of joining the kids at arts and crafts. Not only was I just as miserable, but I was now responsible for even more children while also dealing with other parents’ trauma and other children’s happiness. I knew I had to make a bigger change; one that was inside me instead of out in the world. Thus truly began my spiritual path having recognized that it didn’t really matter what scenario I was in if I didn’t know how to be me and didn’t have a path to my own freedom.
Most of all I'm still a student and my joy is guiding men to be more authentic.
I now had a need to evolve. I began to study with many teachers in many disciplines. I collected a lot of certifications and credentials.
My priority became blowing up my old patterns to become more free, which is where I discovered the core message in my work; To live fully as a man is to be both responsible and to set yourself free. To be in your earthly responsibilities without burden.
Over time I began to develop my own system combining accountability and liberation.
Over the past 6 years, I have immersed with my teacher and guide Elijah Nisenboim for thousands of hours. My fraudulence and resistance to who I truly am keep coming up for me to see and accept.
I’m still asking myself who I am. I’ve been married to my wife Barb for 40 years and I owe so much more to her than I could ever capture here as she so fully sees me, accepts me, and supports my growth as a man. In my lifetime I’ve become a coach and guide, healer, leader, father and grandfather. Most of all I’m basically a student; My joy is to help men become truly authentic and powerful.
Acknowledgements
I’ve dedicated my life to understanding my own process and life calling, and I’ve had a lot of help along the way. I’ve been blessed to study with many extraordinary teachers and organizations:
- CTI Coaches Training Institute whose talented coaches taught me creatively further a client's agenda.
- Four Winds Shamanic Practitioner Certification where I learned from Linda Fitch and others the basics of energy medicine in the Peruvian tradition.
- Sli An Chroi in Dublin with John Cantwell and Karen Ward who showed me the secrets of the Celtic shamanic way.
- Center for Right Relationship Certified Coach where I learned to coach couples and groups.
- Mankind Project where many men showed me how to be fierce and big-hearted at the same time.
- Kripalu Yoga Dance Certified Instructor with Megha Buttenheim where I learned to move more freely.
- Effiji Breathwork Certified Instructor with Elijah Nisenboim, where I learned in the deepest way about my own fraudulence and my own gold.
- Kundalini Yoga Certified Instructor.
- Extensive shamanic study with Sandra Ingerman who showed me the ins and outs of the shamanic journey and spirit allies.
- Betsy Bergstrom who showed me how to work with a client’s energy to bring healing.
- Ram Dass whose book Be Here Now was the first “spiritual” book I read at 17, and was a major influence on me.
