Who am I?

- Ramana Maharshi

I've spent my life trying to answer the question "Who am I?" and I'm still working on it.

As a boy I was sensitive, and craved validation for my world, but nobody seemed to be speaking my language. I felt disconnected from the people around me, and was extremely lonely and frightened.  

When I was 10 years old off at summer camp, my father and mother took a trip with another couple.  They got a flat tire and pulled over to the side of the road.  The two men were changing the tire while the wives were smoking Benson & Hedges off to the side. Suddenly a drunk driver struck and killed both men. 

Instead of being able to grieve, I felt the fear of having lost my father, the protector and provider, and immediately took on the  

role of taking care of my mother and everybody else. I decided to take the weight of the family on my shoulders and become my father’s replacement. 

By the time I was in my teens, I struggled with overeating, getting high, and secretly buying Playboy magazines.    

In my desperate need to belong somewhere in the world, I sought security and validation by pushing to get into Ivy league schools for undergrad and MBA, with marriage and children soon following.  

When I was 36, I left the corporate world:
"There is not enough love here."

While I was a big-swinging-dick investment manager at Fidelity, I kept thinking “Oh shit I’m in the wrong life!”  When I was 36, in my tenth year there, I woke up one day and knew I had to leave.  Weighing on me heavily was the fact that my father had died at 39, so the clock was ticking. I saw that the corporate world lacked love and meaning.  I knew that leaving was the right thing, yet my childhood fears were at their peak because now I was actually carrying the responsibility to provide for my family.

A couple of years later I bought a summer camp for kids. On one hand, maybe I hoped it would free me of the burden my little boy carried. But I found myself intentionally hiding out in the office doing paperwork instead of joining the kids at arts and crafts. Not only was I just as miserable, but I was now responsible for even more children while also dealing with other parents’ trauma and other children’s happiness. I knew I had to make a bigger change; one that was inside me instead of out in the world. Thus truly began my spiritual path having recognized that it didn’t really matter what scenario I was in if I didn’t know how to be me and didn’t have a path to my own freedom.

While I was a big-swinging-dick investment manager at Fidelity, I kept thinking “Oh shit I’m in the wrong life!”  When I was 36, in my tenth year there, I woke up one day and knew I had to leave.  Weighing on me heavily was the fact that my father had died at 39, so the clock was ticking. I saw that the corporate world lacked love and meaning.  I knew that leaving was the right thing, yet my childhood fears were at their peak because now I was actually carrying the responsibility to provide for my family.

A couple of years later I bought a summer camp for kids. On one hand, maybe I hoped it would free me of the burden my little boy carried. But I found myself intentionally hiding out in the office doing paperwork instead of joining the kids at arts and crafts. Not only was I just as miserable, but I was now responsible for even more children while also dealing with other parents’ trauma and other children’s happiness. I knew I had to make a bigger change; one that was inside me instead of out in the world. Thus truly began my spiritual path having recognized that it didn’t really matter what scenario I was in if I didn’t know how to be me and didn’t have a path to my own freedom.

While I was a big-swinging-dick investment manager at Fidelity, I kept thinking “Oh shit I’m in the wrong life!”  When I was 36, in my tenth year there, I woke up one day and knew I had to leave.  Weighing on me heavily was the fact that my father had died at 39, so the clock was ticking. I saw that the corporate world lacked love and meaning.  I knew that leaving was the right thing, yet my childhood fears were at their peak because now I was actually carrying the responsibility to provide for my family.

A couple of years later I bought a summer camp for kids. On one hand, maybe I hoped it would free me of the burden my little boy carried. But I found myself intentionally hiding out in the office doing paperwork instead of joining the kids at arts and crafts. Not only was I just as miserable, but I was now responsible for even more children while also dealing with other parents’ trauma and other children’s happiness. I knew I had to make a bigger change; one that was inside me instead of out in the world. Thus truly began my spiritual path having recognized that it didn’t really matter what scenario I was in if I didn’t know how to be me and didn’t have a path to my own freedom.

Most of all I'm still a student and my joy is guiding men to be more authentic.

I now had a need to evolve.  I began to study with many teachers in many disciplines.  I collected a lot of certifications and credentials.  

My priority became blowing up my old patterns to become more free, which is where I discovered the core message in my work; To live fully as a man is to be both responsible and to set yourself free. To be in your earthly responsibilities without burden.       

Over time I began to develop my own system combining accountability and liberation.   

Over the past 6 years, I have immersed with my teacher and guide Elijah Nisenboim for thousands of hours.  My fraudulence and resistance to who I truly am keep coming up for me to see and accept.   

I’m still asking myself who I am.  I’ve been married to my wife Barb for 40 years and I owe so much more to her than I could ever capture here as she so fully sees me, accepts me, and supports my growth as a man.  In my lifetime I’ve become a coach and guide, healer, leader, father and grandfather.  Most of all I’m basically a student;  My joy is to help men become truly authentic and powerful.

Acknowledgements

I’ve dedicated my life to understanding my own process and life calling, and I’ve had a lot of help along the way. I’ve been blessed to study with many extraordinary teachers and organizations: